i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
