I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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