Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
