I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
