My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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