I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
