from now on my penis is your penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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