Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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