I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
