I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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