You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
