At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
