Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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