I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just want nice things and good sex
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
