Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
