My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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