he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle