u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
