Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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