i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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