So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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