She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
