dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
