last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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