Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
