Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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