i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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