can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
