I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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