matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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