He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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