Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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