Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
