Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
only if we run a train.
done.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
