He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't turn off my feet"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
