My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
