If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
