i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
