i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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