i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
