I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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