so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
