I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
