you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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