I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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