Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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