She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
