chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
