The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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