I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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