Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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