i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
