I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There r osticjed everywhere
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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