So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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