I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
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I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
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I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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