Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
