she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
