The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
