A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
