I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
