If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
