yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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